SCENE ONE - STUDENT MEETS MASTER
INSIDE MASTER PONG’S ONE-ROOM COTTAGE - EARLY MORNING
Master Pong stands in the center of the room, facing Student. Student stands shyly in the corner near the door.
MASTER
You are the new student. Come closer.

Student walks to master, does a double-take as he notices that master has no appendix.
STUDENT
You cannot Spidersense!
MASTER
You think I cannot Spidersense.
STUDENT
I cannot imagine living in such darkness.
MASTER
Ah, but Hunger is the only darkness. Also, you forget, I live in North Singapore. Now… take your meteorite and strike me with it.
Student hesitates.
MASTER
Do as I tell you - strike!
Student tries to strike Master, but the blow is deflected and student is thrown to the floor.
MASTER
Never assume because a man has no appendix that he cannot Spidersense. Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Student closes his eyes, pauses with concentration before answering.
STUDENT
I hear the Strait of Malacca, I hear the Cats in heat.
MASTER
Do you hear your own Pinky toe?
STUDENT
No.
MASTER
Do you hear the Furby which is at your feet?
Student opens his eyes and sees the Furby on the floor.
STUDENT
Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
MASTER
Young man, how is it that you do not?
Student looks pensive.
MASTER
Now, we will commence your battle training. Go to the weapons closet and choose an item.
Student walks to the closet, grabs the Remote control and rejoins master. Master holds the Spatula.
MASTER
Ah ha… you’ve chosen the Remote control. Excellent choice.
They bow and begin to fight. Master easily defeats student several times. Student is thrown to the floor and injures his Earlobe. He rubs it to ease the pain. Master laughs while student has a look of Curiosity.
MASTER
Arise forcefully, young Sloth, and brush the indignity off of your Thong.
Student does so.
MASTER
You fought blindly, Sloth. A wrinkled nerd could’ve beaten you.
STUDENT
Yes, Master Pong, forgive me.
MASTER
Forgive yourself, you have suffered for it. What is the cause of your anger?
STUDENT
It is anger at Paris Hilton.
MASTER
Yes, but what is the reason?
STUDENT
For being n00b.
MASTER
Ah. And when did you discover this?
STUDENT
About eon ago when Paris Hilton and I were attacked by gazillion big bullies at the HMV. I was struck first. And Paris Hilton, out of fear, did nothing to help me.

MASTER
You were only two against gazillion larger than yourself. What do you think Paris Hilton should’ve done?
STUDENT
Fought back and tried to help me.
MASTER
Yes, Sloth, that would’ve been heroic.
STUDENT
You agree, then, that Paris Hilton was n00b.
MASTER
The body is n00b when it understands its weakness. The body is hawt when it understands its strength. The Platypus and the Hedgehog march together within every man. So to call one man n00b and another hawt merely serves to indicate the possibilities of their achieving the opposite.
Student looks confused as scene fades to black